January 1986 …. Oops no no, its April, 4th, 33 AD, about 3:00 in the afternoon
It began with a man from the Ghetto called Yeshua claiming to have come to solve the problems of the Republic of Uganja. Uganja is an old republic previously ruled by the Batembuzi. The Batembuzi (first people) were overthrown by the Bacwezi, who were overthrown by the Romans. The union between Bacwezi and Romans led us to the present Chwezi-Roman reign.
Yeshua has been making many claims to overthrow the status quo. He claims to be a king above the Chwezi and Romans, and this has annoyed many. However, his views are popular among young people. Nonetheless, all his claims are dismissed as fake news by some who say he is looking for money to survive.
Some leaders would wonder why such a man from the ghetto is involved in attempts to overthrow the Romans of Rwakituga. Some justify the crucifixion, claiming he cannot attempt to challenge Bacwezi and Roman gods and remain alive.
Days prior to the crucifixion, there had been several tweets promising to behead Yeshua and parade his head in the city for all to see. Chwezi-roman prefects praised their leader, Mr. Herold Antipas, whom they claim is supreme, for coming up with such a wise idea as to behead Yeshua instead of crucifying him.
Some said this will teach others not to challenge power, while others will claim it is necessary. From their tweets and posts, they sound happy and looking forward to the day when the beheading happens. One of the prefects, Hon. Barugahaihi, suggested that this should be the official government response to all critics.
Despite the threats of beheading, a week before his arrest, stubborn Yeshua decided to enter the city in a Toyota Vitz. Despite heavy police deployment and tear gas, Yeshua and his supporters managed to enter the City Centre, where he addressed his supporters and promised them salvation.
The spokesperson of the Legion claimed that Yeshua and his supporters intended to throw bombs in the city. Some members of the Legion claimed that they recovered bomb making equipment from the offices of Yeshua when they raided it. These included used condoms, branded pens, and notebooks.
Yeshua’s entry into the city driving a Toyota Vitz also caused outrage among supporters of the Chwezi-Romans. Some claimed that he must have hurt such a young car; some went ahead and suggested that the Roman law on defilement that punishes having sex with young people should be applied to the act of driving a Vitz in town by such a huge man.
They claim Yeshua is too huge to drive a Vitz. This was despite the fact that Yeshua weighs only 64KGs and is 5.5ft tall. A debate on a small man overloading a single car has been going on for days.
Mr. Herold Antipas tweeted a day and time when Yeshua would be beheaded. Many people dismissed it as a mere threat. Some even claimed that Herold Antipas, who happens to be a powerful son of the great leader Yowasi, Herald the Great, was drunk when he tweeted. There are those who cheered him on, saying that this is the right thing to do.
Well, days passed, and Yeshua was arrested. He was tortured, though some people tweeted and said the torture was not enough. That it was just a normal way of handling a suspect like him.
Some claimed that Yeshua was pretending to have been tortured and that what looked like blood stains on his shirt were just ketchup poured on his shirt as he was being treated to a favorite food. Others claim that he was injured when he hit his body on the walls of the prison cell as he tried to escape.
On Friday, April 33 AD, we woke up to news that we should all gather by the roadside to watch Yeshua carry his cross to Kaitabarogo hill, where he would be crucified. Kaitabarogo, also known as Kaita Hill, is said to have been an execution site during the bad old days. As usual, we dismissed the news of carrying the cross as fake news. Even when photos and videos were shared, we claimed these were AI-generated.
TVs showed a person who looked like Yeshua on the cross, some showed an unidentified member of the Legion spear him in the rib, in what looked like the final stroke that led to Yeshua’s death. Many people did not discuss the act that led to his death, but rather blamed the cameraman for recording such gruesome photos and sharing them.
A debate on whether what the cameraman did was right or not ensued. Some media houses had their licenses canceled for showing the “bad images” which are below broadcasting standards. Two reporters were arrested and taken to prison. People wondered why arrest the reporters when the one who speared Yeshua was free, but no one answered.
On the day the reporters were coming to court, half the city was closed by army men. It was not clear if they were members of the Legion or some different military outfit. Many people could not access their offices and businesses.
The Legion, which had by now taken over the work of the police, claimed they suspected that terrorists would invade the court to set free the reporters, and that is why the city had to be cleared. The reporters were denied bail because the state claimed they were a threat to national security.
We were told that Yeshua was buried in an unmarked grave at Kaita Hill. To some old people, this brought back memories of King Idi Ahab, one of the Roman leaders who had led Uganja with an iron hand. Young people told off the old people that they have negatively branded the great leader, Idi Ahab, who is better than Yowasi Herod the Great.
A debate ensued over how Idi Ahab killed John the Baptist Luwum and how Yowasi, Herold the Great of Rwakituga has never killed anyone, or at least if he has done so, he never did it publicly, and no one can claim he killed.
Well, we always love debating, especially the side issues. So much so that we even dare discuss what we consider Yowasi Herold’s side food and the side outcomes from the dish.
Two days later, news broke that Yeshua’s body was not found in the grave. Many dismissed this as fake news. But as time went on, it was confirmed that the body was not in the grave. Some blamed the opposition for stealing the body, others say futu sojjas from the group he led, stole the body.
Many wondered how a deadbody can be stolen from such a highly protected graveyard unless a miracle happened or there was involvement of members of the Legion.
As we were discussing what happened to the body, some activists broke news that the whole process was marred by irregularities. First, we ignored them, but they were too consistent and shared photos of receipts that we decided to pay attention. According to the activists;
- Yeshua was never given a hearing. The Principal Judge Pilate followed the orders of Herold Antipas and sentenced him to death. We tweeted how the judiciary is in crisis because we could not believe that a senior judge such as Pilate could do such a thing. Justice Pilate was later appointed Chief Justice, a thing considered to have been a reward for his work in sentencing Yeshua.
- Yeshua’s lawyer, Mr. Kiijanibarora (a.k.a Kiija), was arrested by unknown persons on his way to court. They kept him for several days and produced him in court, sentencing him to 9 months in jail for having attempted to defend Yeshua. A few lawyers who used social media to express how unjust this and the sentencing of Yeshua and Kiija have been were sentenced in absentia, and some are in exile.
In a typical “it wasn’t me” style, some lawyers decided to act like Petros by claiming that they did not know Kiija and his client Yeshua. Some claim that they do not practice criminal law and only do land transactions and transactions that do not require them to go to court. Some dared to visit Kiija regularly, while others issued press statements after realizing this is the best contribution available in the circumstances.
- Nails used to crucify Yeshua are claimed to have been procured from Serica at billions of shillings. However, activists shared evidence to show that the nails were removed from an old cupboard, which is suspected to have been stolen from a government building in the city. Supporters of the Chwezi-Roman empire see no problem with this; after all, the nails did the work, and Yeshua was Crucified.
- A requisition to purchase African Blackwood timber, an expensive piece of wood, was made. The wood was meant to be used to make the cross, however, it was diverted by Mr. Kaita, the hangman, to his home to make his furniture. Some of the wood was found at the home of a powerful minister, Hon. Rusuma. Hon. Rusuma promised to return the timber to the government; he, however, wondered why such expensive wood was to be wasted on a nobody such as Yeshua. People believe that since Hon. Rusuma is a Mucwezi who helped the Romans in their invasion of Uganda, he will not be punished.
Two weeks later, Yowasi Herold addressed the press and told citizens that Yeshua deserved death and that the claims of corruption were false; they were made by activists funded by foreigners who wanted to destabilize the Chwezi-Roman Empire. That Hon. Rusuma is a good man who used the stolen timber to finish his hotel, which will employ many citizens of Uganja.
Evidence appeared that cheap Mutuba wood was used to make the cross, and in 2 days, it had broken into pieces. Street boys stole the wood and used it as firewood to roast stolen maize. The maize was stolen from the lawn at court. The court had found it wise to plant maize in the lawn around the courthouse so it could provide food for security guards who often go for months without pay. The debate was how daring the kids were to steal from the court!
The spokesperson of the Chwezi-Roman dynasty justified the use of Mutuba by claiming that traditionally backcloth which is got from Mutuba tree, is used to bury people, therefore use of Mutuba to crucify Yeshua was better than buying expensive timber. This annoyed the culturalists of the nation where Yeshua comes from, they felt it was an attack on their culture.
- Some people claimed that Yeshua’s supporters bribed the security guards to remove him before he died and take him to another country, which is reason his body was never found in the grave. In fact this was believed by many people to the extent that Herold Antipas ordered the arrest of some futu sojjas and security guards, claiming they are part of a terrorist group that stole Yeshua’s body.
Yeshua’s supporters claim he resurrected and has been appearing to them in dreams. This prompted supporters of the Chwezi-roman government to demand that Purloin Specialized Hospital be turned into a mental hospital and everyone who claims to have seen Yeshua in a dream be admitted to the hospital.
Unfortunately, when they went to enforce this, they discovered construction of the hospital had progressed up to the dampcourse. The debate quickly moved on from the death or resurrection of Yeshua to the amount of money spent in the Purloin specialized hospital after 10 years of construction.
The community was divided between those who felt it was good progress, now at Dampcourse, and those who felt this was a waste of the taxes. Supporters of the Chwezi-roman government suggested that the temporary fencing at the construction site be reinforced, and the hospital be opened to treat crazy supporters of Yeshua.
Sorry for wasting your time
See you in AD 33 -2026
PMG
The author is a wasted old man