Uganda’s 2026 presidential race kicked off on September 29, 2025, like a motorcycle with no brakes. Eight candidates are gunning for the top job, promising everything from stars to your missing chicken.
But hold your bananas! Some promises sound like the mutterings of that village drunkard at a funeral!
First up, NUP president Robert Kyagulanyi, aka Bobi Wine, has been louder than a taxi horn. He says if he wins, one of the first things he will do is to put his wife, Barbie Kyagulanyi, on CNN for the world to see her beauty. I am told it is a solid promise that NUP only forgot to put in its hurriedly crafted manifesto. Don’t argue with me!
Speaking of the big boss, President Museveni, who has spent 39 years running the kiosk called Uganda, would rather be anywhere else than on the campaign trail. Or so it seems! At 81, he wants a seventh term, but he has yet to exert himself. Instead, he has let his sidekicks Anita Among and Balaam Barugahare do the talking. Today, I am told, he has heard the people’s cries and will be campaigning in Nebbi. So much for a break!
Then there’s Robert Kasibante from the National Peasants Party (NPP). He has promised Shs 200,000 monthly for jobless youth and every granny! Has he done the maths? Voter’s don’t care. He also promised to sell the presidential jet to secure motorcycle parts for the boda boda riders. I am joking.
In comes Mubarak Munyagwa, the Common Man’s Party leader. He has been zooming around the country. His wildest promise? Ban Swahili across Uganda if he wins in January 2026!
“It is messing up our cows and kids,” he said on the trail. No, that part about cows is made up, but picture this: No more “habari” at markets. Is he fighting history or just bad talk?
As rallies fire up across 130 districts, the voters seem puzzled. Will it be Bobi Wine’s star love, Museveni’s disappearing acts, or Munyagwa’s language bans? Just keep it here at the Election Banter.
This election is going to be wilder than a monkey’s laugh!
The Election Banter is a weekly satirical column looking at the funny, weird side of the 2026 election campaign. It will run every Saturday on bbegmedia.com
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