Justice Collins Acellam today spared six Nakawa West contenders from being thrown out of the race, including the Leader of the Opposition and the incumbent, Joel Ssenyonyi. After the ruling, Ssenyonyi immediately telephoned the petitioner, Ivan Bwowe. In this imagined, satirical phone call, Bbeg Media captured the tension, relief, and biting humour that followed a case that kept many opposition supporters on the edge. Enjoy!
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Phone ringing.
Bwowe: Hello.
Ssenyonyi: Bwowe. It is me. Joel Ssenyonyi. I am calling because I am still breathing.
Bwowe: Leader of Opposition. Good afternoon.
Ssenyonyi: Do not sound calm. You nearly killed me today. I woke up, and by mid-morning I was a patient of your petition. My heart was doing press-ups.
Bwowe: I am sorry if you were unsettled.
Ssenyonyi: Unsettled? Young man, I almost collapsed. I was following the case through screenshots on X and voice notes on WhatsApp.
Bwowe: Court matters can be tense.
Ssenyonyi: This was different. You were a confused young lawyer looking for fame, trying to throw me out of a race using paragraphs not votes.
Bwowe: Leader, that is unfair.
Ssenyonyi: I could be harsher. I read bits of the ruling as they circulated. The judge was very polite with you. Judges are trained to be kind to confusion. “This court cannot be converted into a political referee.” Did you see that line, or were you busy checking retweets?
Bwowe: I saw it.
Ssenyonyi: Good. Then you also saw the part where the court said nomination disputes are not popularity contests for lawyers. I paraphrase, but the message was clear. Bwowe, go and campaign. You thought you would sneak into Parliament through a petition.
Bwowe: The law allows petitions.
Ssenyonyi: Today, the High Court exercised it on your behalf. You should be thanking it quietly. Instead, you are yapping.
Bwowe: I am not celebrating. Remember, it is I who lost, Joel.
Ssenyonyi: You do not need to celebrate. But no. Before I could even breathe properly, people were sending me links saying you were explaining how the judge misunderstood you.
Bwowe: That is exaggerated.
Ssenyonyi: Everything is exaggerated on social media, including your confidence. That is where I followed the ruling anyway. From what I see, X has already sentenced you. You are just a lazy politician who does not want to go on the ground. Oyagala bya bwerere
Bwowe: Leader, with due respect, I did not file that case to harm you personally.
Ssenyonyi: My phone has been ringing off the hook for the last three days. My aunt called to ask if I was okay. Even people who do not vote call. They were checking my temperature.
Bwowe: I regret the anxiety caused.
Ssenyonyi: Good. Hold that regret. Frame it. Put it next to your law degree. It will remind you that elections are not legal theatres.
Bwowe: You sound very angry.
Ssenyonyi: I am angry because I remember you. This behaviour is not new. You did the same thing when you were in NUP. Every disagreement became a spectacle.
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Bwowe: I was passionate about reform.
Ssenyonyi: You were passionate about cameras. There is a difference.
Bwowe: That is your opinion.
Ssenyonyi: It is an institutional memory. Parties have archives, Bwowe. You fought everybody. When we advised, you said you were being silenced. When corrected, you went to social media.
Bwowe: I was young then.
Ssenyonyi: You are still young. That is why I am calling instead of celebrating quietly. Consider this conversation as a form of mentorship.
Bwowe: I appreciate the call.
Ssenyonyi: Let me finish. Today’s ruling was a sigh of relief for me, yes. But it was also a lesson for you. Courts are not shortcuts to relevance. Justice Collins Acellam said it kindly. I am saying it plainly.
Bwowe: The court did not find me malicious.
Ssenyonyi: The court spared you that word. Judges choose mercy sometimes. They do not always write what they think. They write what they must.
Bwowe: You seem to have enjoyed the ruling.
Ssenyonyi: I enjoyed staying in the race. I did not enjoy nearly developing a heart condition because of a petition drafted for news headlines and social media likes.
Bwowe: That was not the intention.
Ssenyonyi: The outcome today was dismissal. Clean. Clear. Even social media lawyers understood.
Bwowe: I respect the decision.
Ssenyonyi: Respect it with behaviour. When a judge says a matter lacks merit, the correct response is reflection, not explanations.
Bwowe: You think I am chasing fame.
Ssenyonyi: I know you are. Look at the ruling again. The court said it cannot be dragged into political contests disguised as legal disputes. That line alone should keep you indoors for a week.
Bwowe: You are enjoying this too much.
Ssenyonyi: I am alive. Let me enjoy oxygen. I had already imagined myself stating a hospital bed, saying I respect the court but disagree.
Bwowe: You exaggerate again.
Ssenyonyi: Exaggeration is a survival mechanism in Ugandan politics. It prepares you for the worst. Today, the worst was your petition.
Bwowe: So what do you want from me?
Ssenyonyi: Maturity. And maybe an apology to the electorate for turning their election into a legal soap opera.
Bwowe: I do not think I owe you an apology.
Ssenyonyi: I did not ask for one personally. I asked for responsibility. There is a difference. You wanted to throw out candidates like you were cleaning a contact list on the phone. Elections are bigger than egos.
Bwowe: I still believe in the issues I raised.
Ssenyonyi: Believe quietly. Campaign loudly. Petition carefully. That is the order.
Bwowe: Despite everything, I congratulate you on surviving the ruling.
Ssenyonyi: Thank you. I plan to survive many more, preferably without your assistance.
Bwowe: I will reflect on what you have said.
Ssenyonyi: Please do. And remember, confusion is not strategy. It is just confusion with confidence.
Bwowe: Message received, Leader.
Ssenyonyi: Good. Let me go and take my medicine and answer the last fifty missed calls. Bwowe.
Bwowe: Yes.
Ssenyonyi: The next time you feel like trending, try doing the work. Fame arrives eventually. Chasing it through court only makes judges sigh.
Bwowe: Point taken.
Ssenyonyi: Goodbye. And thank you for not actually killing me.
Bwowe: Goodbye.
Call ends…
Haha
It is saddening that in lieu of fighting monstrosity, some people eventually become monsters. It is heartbreaking that Joel, who is at the forefront of fighting monstrosity—political intimidation, and entitlement—is now boldly condemning those who seek justice! It’s unhealthy that he is that kind of person, even without being in charge of the country!