As several candidates of the National Unity Platform have quietly withdrawn from parliamentary races in western Uganda, a public war of words has ensued between NUP and the NRM. In this satirical exchange, Deputy Speaker Thomas Tayebwa, the architect of these withdrawals, insists the exits were voluntary, orderly, and innocent, while NUP president Bobi Wine smells pressure, persuasion, and the familiar heavy hand of the state.
The satirical dialogue below captures the absurdity, defensiveness, and dark humour that often define Uganda’s politics, especially during election time. Enjoy some humour on this wet Sunday.
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It is late evening. Bobi Wine’s phone vibrates. Unknown number. He answers.
Bobi Wine: Hello.
Tayebwa: Bobi. It is me. Tayebwa.
Bobi Wine: Binyebwa? Oh Honourable. Calling to withdraw yourself too?
Tayebwa: Very funny. I am calling because you are talking too much.
Bobi Wine: You people always call when the truth starts trending.
Tayebwa: Watch your mouth. You are accusing me of forcing candidates to withdraw.
Bobi Wine: I am accusing a system. If you feel touched, maybe you are sitting on it.
Tayebwa: Nonsense. Nobody forced anyone. They wrote letters. Signed. Voluntarily.
Bobi Wine: All of them woke up with the same handwriting? Honourable, even Primary Seven pupils cheat with more variety.
Tayebwa: Coincidence happens.
Bobi Wine: Coincidence, my foot. This was organised like a wedding convoy.
Tayebwa: Your opposition people see threats everywhere. Kubalabisa addicts.
Bobi Wine: Kubalabisa is cheaper than silence. Silence costs freedom.
Tayebwa: Some people simply feared losing elections.
Bobi Wine: Then lose properly. Democracy is not a beauty contest. You do not force our candidates to withdraw because the mirror is honest.
Why EC threw out Walukagga but maintained Rwashande in the race
Tayebwa: Western Uganda values stability.
Bobi Wine: Yes. Stable like a chair with three legs. One party holds everything.
Tayebwa: That is disrespectful.
Bobi Wine: So is calling people and asking about their ambition like it is a sick relative.
Tayebwa: I did not call anyone.
Bobi Wine: Yet here you are calling me. You people love phones more than Parliament.
Tayebwa: Listen. Nobody was threatened. Nobody was bribed. Nobody was promised jobs.
Bobi Wine: Then explain why their phones went off faster than UMEME during the rain.
Tayebwa: People are tired of politics.
Bobi Wine: Funny how they only get tired when they are given something.
Tayebwa: Bobi, you exaggerate like a musician selling a song about heartbreak.
Bobi Wine: And you minimise like a man hiding a candle under a mattress.
Tayebwa: You are insulting me now.
Bobi Wine: No. I am describing behaviour. If the shoe fits, wear it.
Tayebwa: You are poisoning the public. Elections will happen whether you like it or not.
Bobi Wine: Of course. With fewer opponents. Easier race. Like running alone in 100 metres and claiming a world record.
Tayebwa: We fear nobody.
Bobi Wine: Then stop calling at night like a worried neighbour.
Tayebwa: History will judge us.
Bobi Wine: History is already laughing at you. It just writes slowly.
A short silence. You can hear breathing on the line.
Tayebwa: Are you done?
Bobi Wine: For now. But tell your friends, Kubalabisa does not sleep.
The call ends abruptly. Bobi Wine looks at the phone, smiles, and posts nothing. Yet.
